Not Everything Deserves Forgiveness: But You Still Deserve Peace

Somewhere in the dusty corners of the internet, a quote goes like this:

“Forgive them, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.”

It sounds lovely. Instagrammable. Maybe even deep.

But let’s be real.

When someone has really hurt you like, deep, soul-splitting hurt that quote feels like putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound. It sounds wise, but it can also feel dismissive. Like you’re expected to be the bigger person. Always.

And honestly? That pressure to forgive everything… is exhausting.

So let’s talk about it for real this time.

The Myth of Mandatory Forgiveness

We’ve been sold forgiveness like a one-size-fits-all healing potion.

Got trauma? Forgive.

Got a cheating ex? Forgive.

Got an emotionally unavailable parent? Forgive.

As if forgiveness is some kind of switch you can flip once you’ve done enough yoga, journaling, or read enough Brené Brown.

But here’s the truth no one really says out loud:

Not everything deserves forgiveness.

Yep. I said it.

Sometimes, people hurt you and never apologize. Sometimes, the pain they caused sticks around for years. And sometimes, forgiving them feels like betraying yourself.

And guess what? That’s okay.

Real Talk: Forgiveness Isn’t Always Healing

Let me tell you about my friend Riya.

She was in a five-year relationship. On the outside, her boyfriend was perfect funny, charming, and occasionally romantic. But behind closed doors? He was emotionally abusive, manipulative, and subtly controlling.

When she finally left, her therapist gently suggested she try forgiving him not for his sake, but for hers.

And while it sounded right in theory, Riya wasn’t ready.

Every time she tried to forgive him, it felt like she was saying, “What you did was okay.”

And it wasn’t.

What actually helped her heal?

Boundaries.

Anger.

Time.

Messy, late-night journal entries.

And deleting his number for the fifth time.

It wasn’t neat.

It wasn’t peaceful.

But it was real healing.

Because emotional intelligence isn’t about denying your pain. It’s about respecting it.

You Don’t Owe Anyone a Resolution

We’ve glamorized closure like it’s a movie scene. Every breakup deserves a final coffee shop conversation. Every toxic parent needs a tearful reconciliation.

Nope.

Sometimes, the best closure is no contact. Sometimes, peace looks like blocking them and never explaining why.

You don’t have to write a long letter.

You don’t have to forgive in silence.

You are allowed to walk away without thanking them for the trauma they gave you.

Your healing. Your rules.

And yes that includes how you deal with relationships, mental health, and emotional healing.

The Real Enemy: Resentment (Not the Person)

Now here’s the twist. If forgiveness isn’t always the answer, neither is holding onto bitterness.

Because resentment is heavy. It keeps you tethered to a past you’re trying to grow from.

Letting go doesn’t mean saying “I forgive you.” It means saying “I no longer need to carry this pain for you.”

So instead of forcing forgiveness, try this:

• Therapy
• Long walks
• Art
• Cooking
• Screaming into your pillow
• Laughing at cat videos
• Crying at Pixar movies
• Sharing your story with someone safe

Healing doesn’t always look peaceful. Sometimes, it’s loud, weird, ugly, and honest. That’s still progress.

Forgiveness vs. Acceptance: Learn the Difference

Forgiveness says:

“I no longer hold this against you.”

Acceptance says:

“I acknowledge what happened, and I’m moving forward without needing you to fix it.”

Both are valid.

But if forgiveness feels fake? Choose acceptance.

It’s quieter. But powerful. And a lot less pressure.

The Funny (and Sad) Way We Learn This

Let me tell you about a guy who ghosted me.

We were talking for months DMs, voice notes, the whole vibe.

Then one day? Poof. Gone. Like a magician mid-conversation.

Fast forward to a wedding. I see him across the hall. He walks up with a big fake grin and says:

“Heyyy! Long time!”

I smiled, nodded, and said:

“Yeah… forever sounds about right.”

Then I walked away and ate two extra gulab jamuns out of petty joy.

I didn’t forgive him.

I didn’t hate him either.

I just didn’t care anymore.

And you know what? That felt like power.

How to Find Peace (Without Faking Forgiveness)

If you’re not ready to forgive, start here:

1. Be Honest With Yourself

Say it out loud: “I’m not ready to forgive.”

That’s not weakness. That’s self-awareness.

2. Feel It All

Anger. Betrayal. Sadness. Grief.

Don’t spiritual-bypass your feelings. Feel them. Fully.

3. Write the Unsent Letter

Let it all out rage, love, confusion. Burn it. Or keep it.

Do it for your healing, not their redemption.

4. Map Your Boundaries

Decide who gets access to your energy now. Reclaim it.

5. Find Real Support

Not everyone deserves your story.

Choose people (or therapists) who hold space without judgment.

6. Redefine Peace

Peace isn’t always silent.

Sometimes it’s messy.

Sometimes peace is dancing alone in your room with headphones on and zero apologies.

You Deserve Peace, Not Pressure

Not everything deserves forgiveness.

But you still deserve peace.

Let’s stop making healing about being nice.

Let’s stop forcing people to forgive before they’re ready.

Let’s stop measuring emotional intelligence by how quickly you can “move on.”

Instead, let’s honor the real journey:

he one where healing, mental health, relationships, and emotional intelligence are messy and nonlinear.

Because at the end of the day:

You don’t need to forgive to grow. You just need to stop giving your pain all your power.

And if that growth comes with boundaries, therapy, real friends, and two extra gulab jamuns?

Even better.